Are you looking for the fastest way to build a wedge as large as Arizona's Barringer Crater between you and your tween? If so, follow these tips and, rest assured, your tween will loath to be with you.
1. Forbid it. That's right ... forbid your tween to do anything and everything that her peers are doing. Don't ask questions. Don't discuss options. Just forbid it! The louder and more forceful, the better.
2. Kiss and go. Require your tween to kiss you whenever your drop him off anywhere. A requisite hug, blown kiss, enthusiastic hand wave, or verbal phrase — for example, "I love you too, Mom!" — will have the same result.
3. Lick and wipe. Lick your thumb and use it to wipe the remnants of breakfast off the corners of your tweens mouths before dropping them off at school.
4. Sing. While driving the carpool, sing along to current pop songs playing on the radio. This is especially effective if you don't quite know all the lyrics or can't carry a tune.
5. Use text slang. When holding a conversation with your child and her friends, use expressions like LOL, OMG and ROFL. It'll make her post "KMN."
6. Write lunch box notes. What was fine in elementary school will be dreaded in middle school, so make sure you tuck a note in your kid's lunch every day ("Good luck on your test today!" or "I'm so proud of you").
7. Use pet names. If you called her "Smoochie" or "Baby Cakes" when she was an infant, keep doing that — especially in front of friends and potential boyfriends.
8. Display baby pictures. When he is having a sleepover party or "hanging out" with a girl for the first time, drag out all his old baby pictures. He'll love having his friends see him naked in the bathtub, sporting a bunny costume at Halloween, and eating in his highchair.
9. Make your life all about her. Don't have your own interests or hobbies. Everything should revolve around your child. Your email address should indicate your motherhood (email@example.com) and your social networks should use handles like Emily'sMommy" or "ILoveMyBabyLilly."
10. Volunteer for everything. Help out with absolutely everything you can think of, including (but not limited to) field trips, school career day, church outings, Boy Scouts, classroom mom, lunch monitor, school fundraisers and, most important, dance chaperone.